In late 2018, I found myself feeling sad and empty, almost out of nowhere. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong—I just knew something was missing. Maybe it was homesickness, fear of the future, or old emotions I hadn’t dealt with. But no matter how much I tried to figure it out, I couldn’t shake that empty feeling.
My life felt like it was on repeat—same job, same routine—and that only made things worse. I’ve always needed some adventure in my life, so the repetition was really getting to me. I even tried changing my diet and working out more, hoping it would help, but nothing changed.
At the time, my boss, who was also a good friend, suggested I see a professional. I took her advice and was diagnosed with depression. I was prescribed antidepressants (Zoloft), and for the first couple of weeks, I felt better—less anxious, more at peace. But by the third week, things took a scary turn. I started hearing intrusive thoughts, voices that weren’t mine. They whispered things like, “Just turn the wheel” while I was driving or “Just jump” as I walked around my office building. These weren’t my thoughts; it felt like something dark and outside of me was taking over. I had never been suicidal, but these voices wouldn’t stop. When I told my doctor, she told me to stop the medication immediately. Once I did, those scary thoughts went away, but the sadness and anxiety stayed strong.
Every day felt like a battle. I’d cry on my way to work, cry during lunch in my car, then cry some more when I got home. I managed to keep up appearances at work, and no one knew what I was going through except for a few close people. Sleep became a problem too. I couldn’t get any rest and often turned to alcohol just to make it through the night.
It felt like I was stuck in a deep hole with no way out. Each day was a struggle to keep going. Hoping a change might help, my husband suggested I take a trip back to the Philippines. But instead of bringing relief, it only made me realize how much I missed home, my friends, and my family. Going back to the U.S. felt unbearable. I found myself crying every time I went to church, asking God why I had to go through this.
During those three weeks in the Philippines, I drank alcohol every single day. On the 15-hour flight back to the U.S., I cried so much that the person next to me must have thought I was mourning a loss. When I returned, I asked my husband, Jay, for some space. I was so lost, not sure of what I wanted or where my life was headed. I even considered moving back to the Philippines for good, but I knew that would disappoint my family, and the thought of returning to the U.S. routine didn’t appeal to me either. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and that realization crushed me.
This wasn’t just a phase—it was a heavy, suffocating sadness that I couldn’t shake.
One night, in the midst of all this, I found myself on the bathroom floor, crying my heart out. The pain was overwhelming, and I prayed, “I’m a wreck. What am I supposed to do now? How do I get out of this? Why are You putting me through this?”
Then, something amazing happened. In that moment of complete despair, I felt this warm, loving energy wrap around me. I curled up on the floor, feeling this comforting presence that I can only describe as pure love.
That moment changed everything for me. Even though things still felt hopeless, I decided I was done feeling miserable. I knew I had to find a way out.
Here’s what helped me start healing:
- Cut out the negativity: I deactivated my social media for almost a year and distanced myself from people who drained my energy. It was necessary to protect my peace.
- Read self-help books: Without a large support network due to being an immigrant, I turned to books for guidance. They became the voices of support I needed. If you want to know what books helped, feel free to ask in the comments.
- Surround yourself with supportive people: This is just as important as removing negativity. Jay, despite everything I put him through, never gave up on me. His support during my darkest moments meant the world to me.
- Take steps to help yourself: No matter how much support you have, you’re the one who needs to make changes. It’s tough, but it’s also empowering to know that you have the power to help yourself. Keep working on your healing, and don’t stop improving yourself.
- Celebrate small wins: When I was at my lowest, even getting out of bed felt like an accomplishment. I learned to celebrate these small wins because they helped me build momentum and slowly start feeling better. The little things end up accounting to bigger things!
- Keep the faith: I believe that all challenges are there for a reason, preparing us for something better. We may not understand it now, but there’s always a purpose behind it.
My journey through depression wasn’t a quick fix—it took years of ups and downs. Some days I felt better, and others, I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry. But little by little, I made my way out of that dark hole. Healing is a process—it takes patience, kindness toward yourself, and the courage to ask for help.
If you’re reading this and struggling, know that you’re not alone. The darkness may feel like too much right now, but there’s light ahead. Keep pushing forward, one small step at a time. This chapter of your life isn’t the whole story—there’s so much more ahead. You have the strength to rise above, to heal, and to find joy again.
Looking back, I used to question why all this happened to me. Now, I see that I went through it so I could help others who are dealing with the same struggles. If you’ve battled depression, I’d love to hear your story. And if you’re still in the thick of it, just know that you’re not alone.
One Response
As someone who went through something similar in the past, this entry really spoke to me. It really hit close to home.
As she said, you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone has their own processes and support system. I hope everyone reading this knows that and progresses into a stronger person in spite their own personal hardships.